grab your tissue box...

Let me start with last week since I never updated everyone that Mike made it through brain surgery great and all of the pathology and infectious disease reports came back clear as of yesterday. (Thank God!) Getting home last week was a bit challenging. Mike was barely able to walk to the bathroom alone and did not have much of an appetite or ability to do much of anything except sleep. One morning I took him to a lab appointment and he was so sick, it just broke my heart. Watching his feeble steps, seeing his eyes sunken and yellow, his skin flaking off in sheets all over his body, his muscles reduced to skin hanging off of his bones, the 5” wound on the back of his scalp… it was all more than I could bear. The frustration and emotion had been building but that day I just broke. When we got home I sat in the car and just screamed at God – “WHERE THE HE** ARE YOU?!?!!” I had an all out venting session about how I have stood in faith and given Him all the glory for everything and it just didn’t seem like He was coming through. Of course I repented as soon as the words left my mouth but part of having a good relationship with God is knowing that He knows my heart and He understands. I can be real about my feelings – every part of me – and not hold back. You can judge me if you dare or be disappointed in my lack of faith, but I am not going to front like I am not human... I heard a tiny tap on the window next to me, but I couldn’t even look up. I felt somebody crawl into the car next to me and place a tiny hand on my shoulder, “it’s going to be ok Mommy.” I couldn’t do anything except collapse in lap of my 9 year old little girl and cry. She held me and sang one of her favorite worship songs, “so close I believe You’re holding me now in Your hands I belong, You’ll never let me go…” and she read me a story until I stopped crying. We pulled out of the driveway together to pick up Mike’s medicine and Zack called me, “Mom… are you okay? I just talked to Daddy and he is really crying. He thinks he is a burden to all of us and I tried to tell him he’s not. What can I do? (His voice was shaking and broken through his tears) I just want to help but I don’t know what to do.” I explained to both of them that we just need to trust God and really pull together as a family to enjoy the good times and love & encourage each other through the harder ones. Jadeyn spent the whole day with me, reading greeting cards at the pharmacy, encouraging me to smile and be happy. We all spent the evening talking and laughing and playing games. Sometimes God doesn’t remove the pain – he just strengthens your ability to endure it.

Over the past week Mike has appeared to be getting better. His appetite has increased a little and he has made attempts to get out of the house and do more. He had a bone marrow biopsy Friday which would tell us whether he needed to go through another round of chemo or if it would clear him for the path to transplant. I was prepared for news for either route – but not the news we received this morning… His labs were alarming. His white blood cells were at 188,000 – a normal person is between 4,000-8,000. The leukemia had completely taken over which is what happens in the final, most aggressive stage of the disease. They are going to “cleanse” his cells with a machine which will pretty much just buy him time. They have done all they can do as far as medicine is concerned. The doctor has not spoken to me directly about time, but I am getting the impression that they are thinking days…maybe weeks.

Honestly, I have been waiting for this moment. I knew it was coming…dreading it –wondering if I would have what it takes to hold it together and to keep faith… someone gave me a message several months ago that they believed was from God - the message was that God was not going to use medicine to heal Mike – but that Mike would be healed by the Spirit of God, that only God may receive the glory. I received that word. And though we continued with the protocol recommended by Moffitt, I knew deep down that medicine was not going to be the final answer for him.

We are physical, emotional and spiritual beings. People operate at different levels for each and fluctuate at different points of their life depending on the circumstances, but I personally have made it my goal to keep my spirit stronger than my flesh and my mind. I take it all in on a physical and emotional level by what is logical, tangible and by what is felt, but I weigh it heavily against what is in my spirit. My brain is calculating time, Mike’s condition and appearance, planning ahead; My heart is broken, smashed to pieces, overwhelmed by the thought of losing my love (I have never lost anyone in my life and I have no idea what that feels like); In my spirit, I am at complete peace. It is unexplainable other than in the Bible where it says that God will give us a peace that “surpasses understanding”. I know that God is totally capable of turning this around and performing a miracle in Mike. Jesus would not have raised people from the dead if we were not to hope in such things. I tell God all the time that I am not sure my faith is that big – and He speaks back to me saying, “It’s ok because it doesn’t depend on you. I got this.” :-D All I can do is speak life, pray and continue hoping that God’s will for Mike’s life includes keeping him here on Earth with me and the kids. Mike and I have always told God that when it was our time to go, we wanted to go together, when we are old and have lived a fully satisfying life, so that we would never have to spend one day without the other. I don’t know God’s plan. I don’t have some magical insight to what is ahead of us, but I do have Jeremiah 29:11 “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’”. I am standing on that.

As always, I appreciate everyone’s prayers and support. It is still very important to me that everyone speaks positive, good things about Mike’s health, or to follow up a negative sentence with “but God is bigger!!” We are blessed to have both of our childhood best fiends visiting with us this week. They have been a huge help to us already and I appreciate all of the running that the dance moms are doing on our behalf!! We love you all – and we are grateful for your love for us. I guess now, we just wait prayerfully and see what God is going to do! Keep your faith up!!!!!